


must admit i'm not myself

by ShyAudacity



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [8]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bad Things Happen Bingo, Eddie Diaz Needs a Hug (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley is a Sweetheart, Flashbacks, Hen Wilson is A Good Friend, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Light Angst, M/M, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 11:49:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30021348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyAudacity/pseuds/ShyAudacity
Summary: After clean-up is over, Eddie is making his way back up the hill towards the truck when an odd feel crawls up his spine; it’s familiar in a way that he can’t place. He must not cover it up very well because Bobby looks over his shoulder at him, raising an eyebrow.“Everything alright?”This, of course, is when a car decides to backfire not twenty feet from them and his poor excuse for a calm demeanor takes a trip up schitts creek.ORFor Bingo Square: Flashbacks.
Relationships: Eddie Diaz & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2101905
Comments: 12
Kudos: 245





	must admit i'm not myself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Weresilver](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weresilver/gifts).



> This one took me entirely too long to write/finish. Ty, I hope you love it!
> 
> Unbeta'd and title from Best Behaviour by Mansionair.

Eddie knew it was going to be a bad day when he woke up this morning and he still made himself get up and go to work. Apparently, the rest of the world is having a bad day, too, because they’ve barely been here six hours and have already had four calls with fatalities.

They’re back at the firehouse, finally able to take some time for a late lunch and Eddie only manages a few bites of his chicken and rice before his appetite runs away along with the rest of his energy. Barely sleeping the last few nights isn’t doing him any favors- and neither is Buck not being out on the calls with them, either. He doesn't like not having his partner right next to him. 

“What if I promise to stay in the truck the whole time?” Buck asks from the counter, baiting with Bobby for the thousandth time to not be the man behind this shift. “I won’t even get out or anything- I can be the designated driver!”

Bobby glares at him, tired of the conversation. “Buck, the fourteen stitches in your arm that you got _last shift_ haven’t even come out. You’re lucky I let you butter your own toast this morning.”

If Buck is bothered by the subtle dig, he doesn’t show it. “There was glass all over that warehouse- someone was bound to get hurt!”

“And no one was surprised that it was you,” Chimney interjects, earning a few laughs.

Buck waves him off. He catches Eddie’s eye, winking at him fondly before jogging downstairs while saying something about checking the tire pressure. Eddie pulls away from his seat, tired of staring at his food as opposed to eating it. He scrapes out the bowl before leaving it next to the sink and gets an appreciative smile from Meera, the new probie.

“Thanks, Eddie,” she says.

“No problem.” It’s no fun being on the bottom rung of the latter; he knows Meera gets enough ribbing as it is. Eddie’s not going to add to that if he can avoid it. He rubs his hands against his eyes. Maybe if he’s lucky he’ll get a few minutes to sleep before the next call comes.

He doesn’t even make it to the stairs before a loud noise nearly brings him to his knees.

Eddie jerks back before he’s even registered the sound completely, trying to get away from the unknown threat. He shields his face on instinct, pulling away only to realize it was just a metal bowl that slipped off the counter. Despite knowing what it is now, Eddie can’t shake the prickly feeling in his chest.

“Eddie, you alright?”

He looks up at the sound of Meera’s voice only to realize that the whole room is staring at him. His cheeks start to turn red from the extra, unwanted attention. “Y-Yeah,” he says, roughly. “Just startled.”

Eddie makes himself scarce after that, feeling a little bit like his heart is about to beat out of his chest. He hopes that no one follows him. No one would be in the bunks this early into the shift. Eddie shuts the door behind him, dropping onto the bunk in the far corner with a loud sigh, pressing his hands into his eyes.

_It was just a stupid bowl. Why can’t I shake this?_

He’s just barely got his breathing to feel like it’s supposed to again when the door opens with a loud creak. Hen is there with a book in her hands; looks like she had the same idea about having some space.

“Oh, hey, I was gonna come in and study- are you okay? You look a little rattled.”

Eddie opens his mouth but no words come out. He doesn’t even know where to start.

Alarms going off over his head interrupt whatever useless lie he could’ve come up with. He forces a smile onto his face as he walks towards Hen. “I’m fine. Just tired. Let’s get to work.”

He ignores the sideways glances that Hen keeps giving him on the drive over to the accident sight. Someone didn’t turn on their parking brake and the car rolled all the way down a sizable hill before the backend connected with a light pole. It’s a non-medical call, thank god; Eddie’s had his fill of tragedies today. He doesn’t think he’d be able to stomach another one.

The call is a good distraction, it gets him out of his head and lets him use his body in a physical way; he knows he’s going to ache later and he’s alright with that. It’s better than the discomfort that’s lingering just below the skin.

After clean-up is over, Eddie is making his way back up the hill towards the truck when an odd feel crawls up his spine; it’s familiar in a way that he can’t place. He must not cover it up very well because Bobby looks over his shoulder at him, raising an eyebrow.

“Everything alright?”

This, of course, is when a car decides to backfire not twenty feet from them and his poor excuse for a calm demeanor takes a trip up schitts creek.

Eddie flattens himself against the side of the truck in a second. After that, all he can hear is gunfire. Mills is somewhere nearby screaming about an ambush. There’s sand kicking up in his mouth, stinging his eyes. Hard as he tries, Eddie can’t seem to make his body move. He needs to leave. The ground around him has turned to quicksand; he can’t move, only sink. Only stay here and risk getting shot.

He can’t go home. He can’t hold Christopher again- he’s so little, he’s too young to start losing people.

Eddie doesn’t want to be here anymore. There are hands on his arms trying to pull him away from the line of fire and passing cars- wait, what?

Eddie picks his head up as the world starts to come back to him in fragments. There are hands still on him, but he can’t see who they belong to. There’s still dirt under his fingernails; there always is when he’s deployed. A door slams shut behind him- where the hell could he find a place to hide in an ambush? It smells like day old deodorant and medical gauze.

“Eddie, it’s okay,” Someone says just a few feet from him. “You’re not under fire, I promise.”

He’s still hearing gunfire; he can’t see where it’s coming from and that’s making all of this worse. Eddie curls in on himself, haphazardly realizing he’s on a gurney. The voice from before is talking to him over his head, trying to keep him grounded. It’s not his wife, but the voice is so damn familiar and-.

“Hen?” Wait. Hen wasn’t overseas with him. He didn’t even know her then. How could she be here? Unless-

He’s not there. She said he wasn’t under fire.

Eddie can’t see her, but he can hear the smile in her voice. “There you are, Eddie- you back with me?”

He doesn’t understand. “I went somewhere?”

Hen laughs mostly to herself, “Just inside that big brain of yours. You feel okay?”

When he opens his eyes, it’s darker than he expects. The lights are off inside the rig and Hen is blocking out the sunlight with her body as much as she can. His entire body jerks again as he looks around at his surroundings, seemingly coming out of whatever the hell just happened. A rough groan bubbles up his throat but Eddie swallows it before Hen can hear it. 

He accepts her hand when she offers to help him sit up, his head swimming at first. Eddie presses his hands into his eyes, ignoring how he’s started to shake from the adrenaline crash. When he looks up again, Hen is giving him a pointed look, asking without really asking and Eddie knows he can’t deflect. He chooses his words carefully before continuing.

“The calls from this morning are eating at me more than usual,” he admits. “That car accident we responded to, where the driver hit the windshield? He had so much blood on him, it…”

Hen finishes for him. “Looked like a war zone?”

Eddie nods. As soon as he walked up, Eddie knew the poor guy didn’t have a chance; that didn’t make it hurt any less when he lost his pulse.

“Have you talked to Bobby about any of this?”

He shakes his head. “Think I’m gonna have to now. Can’t exactly lie my way out of this one.” 

Hen pats him on the leg and gives him a sympathetic smile. “I think the rest of the crew can handle what’s left of the clean up. You can hide out in here until we get back to the station; I’ll let Cap know. Are you gonna be alright by yourself?”

_That’s a good question; am I?_

“I’m good, Hen. Thanks.”

She gives his leg a squeeze before moving towards the door. Once she’s gone, Eddie lets out a deep sigh and lies back on the gurney again, trying to figure out how he’s going to explain this one.

By some shred of luck, Buck is the first one Eddie sees when they get back to the house. He’s barely had a chance to get his turnout coat all the way off before Buck is walking up to him, the look on his face somewhere between determination and trying to be casual. 

“Can you help me with something?” Buck says, just loud enough for others to hear, but something about his tone is off.

Eddie furrows his brow; that wasn’t what he was expecting. “Uh, sure, Buck.”

Buck takes Eddie by the arm and pulls him off to the side towards a dark hallway. Eddie’s confusion only lasts another second before Buck is turning around suddenly and winding his arms around Eddie’s neck, seemingly unbothered by how it must pull at his stitches. Hen must’ve given him a heads up; Eddie lets his hands fall to Buck’s waist, making a mental note to thank her later. 

“You okay?” Buck asks gently, sounding more like himself. His phrasing from a moment ago makes more sense now; Buck has never been very good with subtlety. 

Eddie just holds on tighter, sagging into Buck’s grip as the last of his nerves finally start to settle. The inside of his mouth no longer feels coated in a layer of sand. His hands lose their tremor. He makes himself comfortable, tucking his face along the soft line of Buck’s throat and letting his eyes close. There's a _comfortable, safe_ feeling over him that he hasn't felt all week. 

“Better now,” Eddie says. And for once, it feels like he means it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, thanks for reading! Comments/Kudos are encouraged and appreciated. You can find me on tumblr as paranoidbean. Have a great day!


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